DS Adoptions featured on Diane Sawyer

Tonight Diane Sawyer is doing a story featuring a Reece's Rainbow family. It's a great story, and the video can be found here.  UPDATE: Here is a link to the version that aired during the program.

I was struck by this quote from the article: "The myth that Down syndrome is a severe mental illness and a scourge on society is an overwhelmingly common one."


Thankfully this myth is being debunked by stories like this one.

The One Thing I Can Do

I have been feeling a bit surprised recently by the depth of emotions I have been having about this adoption. I assumed we would go through this paper work stage with a sense of great anticipation. Then, meet our child and be excited to have him in our family. We would know that we were strongly and passionately committed to him , but fall in love with him over time as we got to know him. As is often the case, things haven't been quite so cut and dry! What has been amazing to me is how he already has an important presence in our family. Not a day goes by when I don't think of him. Much like the experience of pregnancy I have already started to think of myself as the mother of THREE.

How then, do I go through my days as the mother of 3 when only 2 are within my arm's reach? I often wish that I could send him a cozy little hat for when he plays outside or a little satin blanket like Zach and Caleb sleep with. I just want to reach out in some tangible way and tell him that he is chosen, wanted, daily in our thoughts, and in so many ways already in our home!

I was praying about this feeling the other day and was overcome with peace about it all as I realized that I do have the power to send him the thing he needs the most...the best thing for him...

I can pray for him. I can pray that God would wrap His arms around him and help him to know the love that only God can provide. He may not understand it in his head but God has a way of speaking to our hearts and I can pray that God will help him to know that he is loved, wanted, and chosen not only by his family who he has yet to meet, but by God himself.

Is that not what we all need more than anything?

Is that not also the best thing I can do for Zach and Caleb? So that is what I will strive to do each day. I will LET GO and place each one of my three boys safely in God's hands because truly that is the greatest gift that I can give them!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Where are we?

This question pops into my mind in regards to this adoption quite often.

We are here in Maryland going about our full lives and anticipating the coming of Christmas.

The child we are hoping to adopt is in the same baby home where he has spent his entire life and I wonder if he is anticipating Christmas. Certainly not in the same way Zach and Caleb are. I have seen precious pictures of the children in the baby homes all dressed up for Christmas. I am thankful that he is in a place with loving caregivers who work to make these days special for the children. That is not the case for all children waiting for families. To our precious child, we think about you everyday and you are already a part of our family. Just the other day Zach was giving his friend a tour of our home and he pointed out the bed that is already yours. We look forward to next Christmas when we can hang a stocking with your name on it.

So that is where our hearts are. Waiting for our son that lives on the other side of the world. It feels very surreal! But where are we in the midst of this "paperwork pregnancy?" We are entering the 2nd trimester. The 2nd trimester was the best part of both of my other pregnancies so we are praying that this one will go smoothly as well! If the homestudy is the 1st trimester than putting together the dossier is the 2nd trimester. So we are compiling our dossier. We have seen our first draft of our homestudy and Creative Adoptions Inc. did a beautiful job! We are submitting minor changes and waiting for our final draft. At that point we will submit it to USCIS and wait for their approval. We are also waiting for our marriage licenses to be returned from Colorado where they are currently being apostilled (or authenticated). We are waiting for the final draft of our psych evaluations. Waiting, waiting, waiting...Once we receive these items we can quickly compile our dossier and get it on its way to Eastern Europe by way of our other adoption agency, Hand in Hand.

I feel the anxiety begin to rise when I think of all of the many steps that need to take place before our son can come home. Such a comfort however to know that none of this is in my control and God alone is leading us through this journey. He is doing a much better job than we ever could! We continue to appreciate all of your prayers. We are blessed that we never feel lonely on this journey as we are surrounded by your love and support. Thank you!

Highlight of the Home Study

The adoption homestudy consists of lots of paperwork, filling out forms, finding documents, sending emails, faxes, phone calls, and interviews.  Boring.

But.

To Zach and Caleb's delight, it also involves firemen.

Last night we had our fire inspection:

Yes, the boys were dressed for the occasion.  And yes, that IS a firetruck pulling up outside our house!

Welcome sir, come right in!

This firefighter complimented Zach on his "turnout gear."

After the inspection, on to the more important matters.

What does it mean that none of our neighbors came out to see if everything was okay?  Sheesh, thanks a lot!

and we passed!  (Notice Caleb helped out by adding his own initials as well.)

Read All About It!

The Washington Post did a great story on the Clark family, who have played a big part of our story.  Check it out here! (The online piece requires an easy sign-in membership to read the whole thing, which you should do so that you can see Bethany and my quotes!...not that that's the point...)

For anyone in the D.C. area, this will be in the Post Magazine this Sunday.

Book Recommendation: A Good and Perfect Gift

                 You might think that a book about raising a child with Down Syndrome is not really relevant to your life.  You would be wrong.  This book is about that, and much, much more.

Amy Julia Becker is a blogger and writer (and former seminary classmate of mine) who has written a number of thoughtful reflections on disability, faith, and parenting.  A Good and Perfect Gift is her admirably honest memoir about the surprise and challenge of discovering that her first child, Penny, had Down Syndrome.  Becker does not pull punches about her initial disappointment that her hopes and dreams for her child (and herself) needed to be adjusted, perhaps dramatically.

Educated at an elite boarding school and then in the Ivy League, Amy Julia brought Penny into the unusual world of the Lawrenceville School, another elite institution just south of Princeton, where her husband was a teacher.  Not everyone will relate with this pedigree and upbringing, but this “perfection” is precisely the backdrop that makes her reflections all the more poignant, throwing into high relief the issues, obsessions, and idols that are ubiquitous in our culture of raising perfect children.

After all, in a world where intellectual ability is all-important, where do the intellectually disabled fit in?  At first, Amy Julia is not so sure: “Will I be able to be proud of her?  Will I be able to love her?” (pg. 25)  As uncomfortable as these questions are, Becker gently leads the reader to the awareness that these are not questions unique to intellectuals who have disabled children.  Rather, the challenges present when a Princetonian gives birth to a girl like Penny may be nothing more than magnifications of the dynamics that are present to all parents: will we love our children for who they are, will we receive them as the gifts they are, or will we only be able to feel love and pride for them if they fulfill our expectations and criteria for a “meaningful life”?  By examining her assumptions about “perfection,” Becker invites us to think of our own.  

This book has some incredibly profound theological reflections on disability, which I found myself reading out loud to my wife: how does Down Syndrome reflect the brokenness of a fallen world, if it does at all?  Will Penny have Down Syndrome in heaven?  And the question that permeates and develops through the book: Is there anything “wrong” with a person with Down Syndrome, or is the problem really with “the rest of us” who struggle to welcome them?  It is in wrestling with this question herself that Becker shines: 

“After weeks of thinking about Penny and about what was not good in her, I finally realized that there was just as much--no, there was more--that was not good in me.  All the pettiness, all the judgment, all the bias.  Over and over again, I had thought about who she might have been if that extra chromosome hadn’t gotten stuck in that first moment of conception.  I couldn’t escape wondering about the “real” Penny, my daughter who seemed hidden behind her diagnosis.  I had wanted to be able to change her instead of receiving change myself.”  (pg. 99) 

Surely this is not just instructive for parents of children with special needs, but a word of challenge and truth to every parent who brings home from the hospital a little person with unique strengths and weaknesses, and an amazing ability to expose these parental attitudes of pettiness, judgment, and bias.  

It is no spoiler to say that Becker comes to see and appreciate her daughter in a new way.  Her fear and grief give way to joy and gratitude.  However, there is nothing trite about the way this is described: the complexities and emotional ambiguities are on display and considered throughout.  This book helped me toward better ways to think and speak  about “Down Syndrome people,” that particular phrase being an example of the way we condescendingly stigmatize.  (I bet I’ve even used that phrase, and its attending attitude, on this blog.)  But along with that, she helps us think not just about children with special needs, or their parents, but about all children, all parents, and the warped culture we all inhabit, with its arbitrary and destructive markers of value and worth.  Who loses out when gifts like Penny are refused?  Becker nails the answer and summarizes the theme unpacked in the book with this journal excerpt: 

“Can she live a full life without ever solving a quadratic equation?  Without reading Dostoevsky?  I’m pretty sure she can.  Can I live a full life without learning to cherish and welcome those in this world who are different from me?  I’m pretty sure I can’t.” (pg 123)  

       All of these questions are pursued in a very readable way as we follow the Beckers through their first years as parents.  This book would be a “good and perfect gift” for Christmas, when we have the chance to prepare our hearts to welcome another surprising child--the Good and Perfect Gift of Bethlehem.

Thursday Update

I could not have asked for anything more. Andy came home from work a little early yesterday to help me in my desperate state of exhaustion and we had a much needed, light-hearted, family dinner. The kids were exhausted so we got them tucked in early and were able to get the house back into some state of order. It was not perfect, but thats okay. It was much more reflective of real life and that feels right!

We woke up this morning to our first "fever-free" day in our house since Nov. 4th! Our social worker came and to say she is wonderful would be an understatement. We had such an enjoyable conversation during the hour and a half of our joint interview. Caleb then lead us all on a tour of the house before Andy had his individual interview. It truly went so much better than I ever could have imagined in my wildest dreams. She will come back one more time after Thanksgiving to meet Zach and I will do my individual interview.

This means we are coming to the end of our homestudy portion of the process. We will soon begin working on our Dossier that will be sent to Russia in order for us to be issued travel dates to fly out there and meet our new son.

Next step...a house fire inspection. That means that real firemen get to come to our house. Rumor has it from friends that have done this before that they arrive in the fire truck. The boys will not know what hit them. This is going to be amazing!! I wonder if the firemen are used to posing for pictures while conducting a home fire inspection...well they better get ready!

Tonight is date night so we will go out and celebrate a successful homestudy and healthy kids!

Wednesday Update

We got the call from our social worker on Monday that she would be coming on Thursday morning (tomorrow) for her first of two visits to our house for the homestudy! This is wonderful news as it is another big step in the process. She has talked to two of our references over the phone and will be meeting with the third in person before she comes here tomorrow. Things are moving along.

I am once again amazed and grateful for the way that God continues to show me that I am not in control of this adoption. It is not about me and my ability to make this happen. It is in God's hands alone. My desire is to spend all week cleaning and making sure this house is the most perfect place she has ever seen. I want to spend all week anticipating and researching every need a child with down syndrome might have and give our social worker comfort in our huge knowledge of local resources for this child. Then I will be in control! I will make this happen and I will make sure we pass this homestudy inspection with flying colors. However, that will not be the case...

I am fighting to keep my eyes open even as I type this. Caleb and I spent the entire night in the emergency room. Both kids have been sick for days with a terrible virus that has been going around with spiking fevers. Zach is on the mend, but Caleb's breathing was very labored last night so off we went. So today in my bleary eyed state, rather than being super mom I am working on getting through the day and hopefully I will be able to clear a path through the house for the social worker to walk through tomorrow.

I feel peaceful knowing that God has been in control every step of the way and I know He will not leave us. He loves adoption and our future son and He loves us! We are also being held up by the amazing support of all of you! Thats all I need to know!

Okay, I am off to make another pot of coffee and turn on another episode of Bob the Builder.

So you might have noticed...

We've been blessed.

If you've been keeping score on our fundraising badge, you've noticed that a considerable amount of money has been donated toward our adoption. Thousands of dollars. Is this amazing? Yes. Do we know how to express our thanks adequately? No.

How did it happen? Simply put, God has been working through the generosity of his people...

...through the gifts of people who supported my half-marathon on Oct 1.

...through a friend who offered to loan us a little money at the perfect moment.

...through several people who gave large gifts that made us cry.

...through people who started drinking a new kind of coffee.

...through friends who generously turned their daughter's birthday party into a fundraiser without asking us.

...through people we've never met before who love orphans with Down Syndrome.

...through some California college students who spent a Saturday washing cars:

...maybe through you reading this right now. Thank you. God bless you.

The support we've received has truly been overwhelming. It is so humbling to be on the receiving end of such sacrifice and generosity. But it's a story that needs to be told, not because we are so great or our cause is so great, but because God is so great.

This summer, before we had told many people about it, I was feeling extremely anxious about the fact that we sensed a call to adoption but didn't have $30K laying around. How would this ever happen? Were we out of our minds?

Then, as if for the first time, I read some words that I'd read a million times before: "Seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you." Really? Is that for real? All these things? Could it possibly be that if we follow God's call that he would be faithful to provide and make a way?

It's for real. God is providing for us through people near and far, through people we know well and people we've never met. We are so grateful. God is good.

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we can all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen." (Ephesians 3:20-21)

Amen. Amen. Amen.

Maggie's Retirement

After a long and distinguished career--almost 8 human years, 56 dog years--our loyal canine companion Maggie has decided to retire.  In a written publicity statement, Maggie said:

"It has been a good run with Andy and Bethany.  After a somewhat rocky start as a puppy with that terrifying crate and Andy's futile attempts to voice-train me, the Nagels and I enjoyed a good many years together.  They replaced both of my knees after frisbee-chasing injuries, fed me every day (it was so exciting each time!) and let me run around and sniff a lot of stuff.  They never kicked me, even when I barfed on the carpet all those times.  Things became especially fun when those smaller humans Zach and Caleb showed up, although it took a little while to get used to the constant tail and ear tugging and I did notice that I went on shorter walks.

However, I knew that it was time to move on when I heard that there was yet another small human that would be joining the family.  I started shopping my resume around but the doggie jobs are scarce these days.  Then, a great opportunity arose for me to go live with Ellen, this nice lady who Bethany calls "Mom" and the boys call "Mamoo."  When her dog Annie went to heaven, I applied for her position...and got it!

So it's clear to me that it's time for me to move on into the next phase of my life.  I'm very excited to live in Colorado with someone like Ellen (Annie had it pretty dang good, from what I saw.)  And, of course, I'm happy to work hard keeping another person company.  I'm really good at it!  I'm also happy for the Nagels and hope that new little guy comes soon.  Woof!"

So, Maggie flew on a plane to Colorado last week and is now enjoying the good life out in Colorado where the streets are paved with gold and dogs run around unleashed.  We miss her (especially how she cleaned up under the dinner table!), but are glad for her new life in Colorado!

Remind Me, When Were We Having That Inspection?

I did think it was a little strange when the county code inspector said that she could come by to inspect our house at 7:00 am.  But hey, we're always up and moving by then, so might as well get it out of the way, right?  No need to even set an alarm.  See you then, Ms. Inspector.

Note to self: next time, set an alarm.  Not sure it's putting the best foot forward to run downstairs in pajamas at 7:20 because you've finally awoken to the banging on your front door.

Thankfully, we passed anyway.

Everyday Heroes

Here are just a few of mine...

Truly the day is not complete in our house unless both of these cute boys have dressed up as firefighters and rescued someone at least once.

Here are some of our other heroes...Lin and Ben Preiss. Friends from high school/college and our friendship only gets better with time! For the past 8 years we have lived on opposite coasts, but now they are only three hours away. Such a gift! Ben is doing his residency to become a Doctor of Osteopathy and Lin is doing her residency to become a Chaplain. Even with their busy schedules filled with long shifts and sleepless nights they drove down to spend 24 hours with us. They bring much joy and encouragement to our lives and they love our boys!

All THREE of them!

(Got this picture as they were leaving...poor Caleb was ready for bed!)

Less Risky for Whom?

Following up on Bethany's last post and link...

The other day the New York Times had a story on a less risky prenatal test for Down Syndrome. This is very welcome news because it is safer for the mother, which is something to be thankful for! However, prenatal genetic screening raises thorny but important ethical questions. While genetic screening can help prospective parents prepare psychologically and otherwise to welcome a child with special needs, it is important to remember that no prenatal test for Down Syndrome provides any cure for Down Syndrome. Rather, such tests dramatically increase the odds that the child with Down Syndrome will not be born. So while I'm glad and thankful that this test is safer, I think we also need to keep in mind that this test turns out to be very risky for the Down Syndrome child.

In some ways, our journey towards adopting a child with Down Syndrome began with our own ethical considerations of prenatal genetic screening. When the abortion rate for a DS diagnosis is around 80-90%, we should be concerned about the values and messages our culture is giving and receiving about the value of people with disabilities in general, and the value of people with Down Syndrome in particular.

Must Read

Please...do yourself a favor, visit Adeye's blog and read her amazing post about the beauty of a child with Down Syndrome.

Meet My Favorite Southern Baptist

I know, I know...you're dying to find out who it could be?

Billy Ray Cyrus?  Not since he cut his mullet.

Clarence Clemons (may he rest in peace)?  He's certainly in the running.

S. Truett Cathy, founder of Chick-fil-A?  (Dare I say that his cuisine is overrated?)

Nope, meet my favorite Southern Baptist: Russell D. Moore, Dean of the School of Theology and Senior Vice-President for Academic Administration at The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary and preaching pastor at Highview Baptist Church.

Why is he my favorite Southern Baptist?  First of all, because he wrote a great book called Adopted for Life: The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families and Churches.  This book played a huge role in our own decision to adopt, and I highly recommend it to you.  I recently wrote a short review of it in the PPL Monthly.


If that weren't enough, here is Dr. Moore taking Pat Robertson to the woodshed.

And if you want to hear a phenomenal sermon on adoption and the gospel, give a listen to Christ in an Orphan-Making Culture.

And then, if that's not enough for you (and you have a free 95 minutes), here is Dr. Moore and Robert P. George of Princeton (no slouch himself) discussing evangelicalism in America, a topic most people just don't get.

Sorry, my posts are bound to be a bit dorkier than Bethany's.  Can't help it.

Where Are We In the Process?

Good question.

We are in the very initial stages. We are currently in the homestudy process, which typically takes 2-3 months. We are gathering lots documents, having interviews, getting background checks, asking folks to write reference letters, signing lots of forms, etc.

After we are officially approved, our information is assembled into a dossier that is sent overseas, from that point we're told it can take anywhere from 6-18 months to finalize the adoption. We need to make 3 trips ourselves to attend court hearings, visit the orphanage, and lots of other stuff that I don't know about yet.

As you can see, it's a long, complicated, and stressful process for people like us who like to feel like things are under their control. I've described the experience so far as: one part Kafkaesque bureaucratic nightmare, and one part white-water rafting.

Thanks for walking through it with us, and for your prayers along the way.

Andy

Andy's Turn

Bethany did a great job describing how we came to decide to pursue the adoption of a child. For me, making that decision (and now, telling people about it) was exciting, exhilarating, overwhelming, and a little scary. Without a doubt, something in our hearts has shifted in a pretty profound way which is hard to explain but is, I suppose, one of the purposes of this blog.

About a year ago I wrote a little piece of reflection on the baptism of Abby Clark, the first Down Syndrome orphan I've ever had the privilege of meeting. If you'd like to read it, you can find it here.

If I were to add anything to Bethany's post, it would be to describe a run I took after the possibility of adopting first came to our attention. On this run (on which ironically, or providentially, I was training for a race that I was running to raise money for Down Syndrome adoptions!) I started to think of all the reasons we had not to adopt. You can read a nice summary of these in Bethany's post, which might all be stated this way: it would be profoundly inconvenient. And it would. And it is. And it probably will be, in certain ways.

But as I ran, inconvenience started to sound like a pretty lame reason. In fact, I realized that this orphan on the other side of the world was a real, living, breathing child. This still amazes me. (As I write this, at 10:15 pm Eastern US time, he is probably sleeping, but may be stirring for the day ahead of him.) And, as I ran, it became clear to me that the opportunity had presented itself to literally change this orphaned child's life. The convenience or inconvenience of it paled in comparison to the magnitude of the opportunity before me. At the risk of considerably overstating things, where would I be if Mary had responded to the angel Gabriel by saying, "I'd really rather not, this sounds really inconvenient!" Or what if early Christians in ancient Rome had chosen not to rescue the victims of infant exposure? Was it any more convenient for them?

All of a sudden, I was displeased, maybe better to say convicted, about how anxious I was to maintain my pretty little life, to manage things so carefully that risk (and faith?) was managed out of my life altogether. And I became aware that this was a pretty good strategy to live a boring, meaningless, safe life.

If this sounds a bit overdramatic (and I admit it might, it's been a long day), I should also add that this processing continued for the weeks and months to follow, and we tried to do a careful and responsible review of whether this was indeed something that we felt called to do. And all I can say is that it is, assuredly. There are many questions yet to be answered, many challenges that lie ahead, a lot of paperwork and errands (and, cough, fundraising). But something happened on that run and I think it's a good thing.

Bethany is astonished at how long this is taking me to write so I'll sign off now.

Andy

"I hope in the Lord Jesus to send Timothy to you soon." Phil. 2:19

There is a little boy that is living in a "baby home" in Eastern Europe. Not for long though because we are doing everything we can to bring him home to us. He has two brothers, Zach and Caleb that are here waiting to play. He has a mommy and daddy that are anticipating the day when we will be able to hold him in our arms and tell him how happy we are that he is a part of our family.

Andy and I have known since we were married 8 years ago that whether or not we were able to have children of our own we felt the pull towards someday adopting a child. God did bless us with two amazing biological sons and we continued to believe that SOMEDAY adoption would be part of our families story and we began to feel called to a child with special needs (Timothy has Down Syndrome). "Lets wait," we thought "we would love to have more biological children, we don't have $30,000 to pay for an adoption, I am in school, the kids are so young." We had many excuses. Meanwhile we were getting to know Jon and Nina Clark, a family from our church. We were blessed to get watch them walk through two adoptions in a year! Nina knew our pull towards adoption and wasn't quite as convinced by all of our reasons for waiting! While she was traveling in August to bring home her sweet daughter Elizabeth she sent us an email that would forever change our lives.  Andy and I read the email on a friday morning with two little boys climbing all over us. I will never forget that morning as it was the last day of the week I was directing VBS and to say I was tired would be an understatement. I was wondering when I woke up how I was going to possibly make it one more day and the idea of beginning an international adoption and bringing another child into our house seemed daunting to say the least! We laughed together at the idea but decided that since its not every day that you receive an email asking you to adopt a specific child that we should at least think and pray about it.

Well you can see where that lead us...24 hours later and we were both on board. Our lives were changed. God spoke clearly and touched both of our hearts in ways we could not imagine. I spent the next few nights staying up way too late learning all about what we had committed to through the blogs of adoptive parents who beautifully share their stories. Many tears were shed! Andy spent the next few days with his calculator in hand trying to turn what we had into $30,000 (no such luck) and reading, reading, reading! At the end of that week our family had the priviledge of joining the Clark family to welcome home Nina and Elizabeth at the airport. Truly a life changing moment to watch this little girl walk through the doors, clearly already connected with her new mother, and into the arms of her father, brothers and sisters. It was beautiful!

That is the very basic version of the way God prepared us to welcome a new child into our family by way of adoption. There are many more details we would love to share and will continue to share along the way so check back often.

I will leave you with another one of my favorite pictures of him...I just think he is so cute sitting in that little chair!