To Screen or Not To Screen....

...that is the question that Amy Julia Becker deals with in a balanced, thoughtful post over at Thin Places.  I particularly like this:


"Knowing that Penny had an extra chromosome would have told me very little about her. It couldn’t even tell me the most basic characteristics–her hair or eye color or gender– much less the distinctive markers that make her her–the things I’ve written about again and again, her determination, her love for books, her inability to sing on key, her pitcher’s arm, her ability to make her little sister giggle. In retrospect, I don’t know how the diagnosis “Trisomy 21″ could have helped us in utero."


Read the whole thing.  As with her book, Amy Julia points out how much of this is driven by parental anxieties and the illusion of control.

DS Adoptions featured on Diane Sawyer

Tonight Diane Sawyer is doing a story featuring a Reece's Rainbow family. It's a great story, and the video can be found here.  UPDATE: Here is a link to the version that aired during the program.

I was struck by this quote from the article: "The myth that Down syndrome is a severe mental illness and a scourge on society is an overwhelmingly common one."


Thankfully this myth is being debunked by stories like this one.

The One Thing I Can Do

I have been feeling a bit surprised recently by the depth of emotions I have been having about this adoption. I assumed we would go through this paper work stage with a sense of great anticipation. Then, meet our child and be excited to have him in our family. We would know that we were strongly and passionately committed to him , but fall in love with him over time as we got to know him. As is often the case, things haven't been quite so cut and dry! What has been amazing to me is how he already has an important presence in our family. Not a day goes by when I don't think of him. Much like the experience of pregnancy I have already started to think of myself as the mother of THREE.

How then, do I go through my days as the mother of 3 when only 2 are within my arm's reach? I often wish that I could send him a cozy little hat for when he plays outside or a little satin blanket like Zach and Caleb sleep with. I just want to reach out in some tangible way and tell him that he is chosen, wanted, daily in our thoughts, and in so many ways already in our home!

I was praying about this feeling the other day and was overcome with peace about it all as I realized that I do have the power to send him the thing he needs the most...the best thing for him...

I can pray for him. I can pray that God would wrap His arms around him and help him to know the love that only God can provide. He may not understand it in his head but God has a way of speaking to our hearts and I can pray that God will help him to know that he is loved, wanted, and chosen not only by his family who he has yet to meet, but by God himself.

Is that not what we all need more than anything?

Is that not also the best thing I can do for Zach and Caleb? So that is what I will strive to do each day. I will LET GO and place each one of my three boys safely in God's hands because truly that is the greatest gift that I can give them!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Where are we?

This question pops into my mind in regards to this adoption quite often.

We are here in Maryland going about our full lives and anticipating the coming of Christmas.

The child we are hoping to adopt is in the same baby home where he has spent his entire life and I wonder if he is anticipating Christmas. Certainly not in the same way Zach and Caleb are. I have seen precious pictures of the children in the baby homes all dressed up for Christmas. I am thankful that he is in a place with loving caregivers who work to make these days special for the children. That is not the case for all children waiting for families. To our precious child, we think about you everyday and you are already a part of our family. Just the other day Zach was giving his friend a tour of our home and he pointed out the bed that is already yours. We look forward to next Christmas when we can hang a stocking with your name on it.

So that is where our hearts are. Waiting for our son that lives on the other side of the world. It feels very surreal! But where are we in the midst of this "paperwork pregnancy?" We are entering the 2nd trimester. The 2nd trimester was the best part of both of my other pregnancies so we are praying that this one will go smoothly as well! If the homestudy is the 1st trimester than putting together the dossier is the 2nd trimester. So we are compiling our dossier. We have seen our first draft of our homestudy and Creative Adoptions Inc. did a beautiful job! We are submitting minor changes and waiting for our final draft. At that point we will submit it to USCIS and wait for their approval. We are also waiting for our marriage licenses to be returned from Colorado where they are currently being apostilled (or authenticated). We are waiting for the final draft of our psych evaluations. Waiting, waiting, waiting...Once we receive these items we can quickly compile our dossier and get it on its way to Eastern Europe by way of our other adoption agency, Hand in Hand.

I feel the anxiety begin to rise when I think of all of the many steps that need to take place before our son can come home. Such a comfort however to know that none of this is in my control and God alone is leading us through this journey. He is doing a much better job than we ever could! We continue to appreciate all of your prayers. We are blessed that we never feel lonely on this journey as we are surrounded by your love and support. Thank you!

Highlight of the Home Study

The adoption homestudy consists of lots of paperwork, filling out forms, finding documents, sending emails, faxes, phone calls, and interviews.  Boring.

But.

To Zach and Caleb's delight, it also involves firemen.

Last night we had our fire inspection:

Yes, the boys were dressed for the occasion.  And yes, that IS a firetruck pulling up outside our house!

Welcome sir, come right in!

This firefighter complimented Zach on his "turnout gear."

After the inspection, on to the more important matters.

What does it mean that none of our neighbors came out to see if everything was okay?  Sheesh, thanks a lot!

and we passed!  (Notice Caleb helped out by adding his own initials as well.)

Read All About It!

The Washington Post did a great story on the Clark family, who have played a big part of our story.  Check it out here! (The online piece requires an easy sign-in membership to read the whole thing, which you should do so that you can see Bethany and my quotes!...not that that's the point...)

For anyone in the D.C. area, this will be in the Post Magazine this Sunday.

Book Recommendation: A Good and Perfect Gift

                 You might think that a book about raising a child with Down Syndrome is not really relevant to your life.  You would be wrong.  This book is about that, and much, much more.

Amy Julia Becker is a blogger and writer (and former seminary classmate of mine) who has written a number of thoughtful reflections on disability, faith, and parenting.  A Good and Perfect Gift is her admirably honest memoir about the surprise and challenge of discovering that her first child, Penny, had Down Syndrome.  Becker does not pull punches about her initial disappointment that her hopes and dreams for her child (and herself) needed to be adjusted, perhaps dramatically.

Educated at an elite boarding school and then in the Ivy League, Amy Julia brought Penny into the unusual world of the Lawrenceville School, another elite institution just south of Princeton, where her husband was a teacher.  Not everyone will relate with this pedigree and upbringing, but this “perfection” is precisely the backdrop that makes her reflections all the more poignant, throwing into high relief the issues, obsessions, and idols that are ubiquitous in our culture of raising perfect children.

After all, in a world where intellectual ability is all-important, where do the intellectually disabled fit in?  At first, Amy Julia is not so sure: “Will I be able to be proud of her?  Will I be able to love her?” (pg. 25)  As uncomfortable as these questions are, Becker gently leads the reader to the awareness that these are not questions unique to intellectuals who have disabled children.  Rather, the challenges present when a Princetonian gives birth to a girl like Penny may be nothing more than magnifications of the dynamics that are present to all parents: will we love our children for who they are, will we receive them as the gifts they are, or will we only be able to feel love and pride for them if they fulfill our expectations and criteria for a “meaningful life”?  By examining her assumptions about “perfection,” Becker invites us to think of our own.  

This book has some incredibly profound theological reflections on disability, which I found myself reading out loud to my wife: how does Down Syndrome reflect the brokenness of a fallen world, if it does at all?  Will Penny have Down Syndrome in heaven?  And the question that permeates and develops through the book: Is there anything “wrong” with a person with Down Syndrome, or is the problem really with “the rest of us” who struggle to welcome them?  It is in wrestling with this question herself that Becker shines: 

“After weeks of thinking about Penny and about what was not good in her, I finally realized that there was just as much--no, there was more--that was not good in me.  All the pettiness, all the judgment, all the bias.  Over and over again, I had thought about who she might have been if that extra chromosome hadn’t gotten stuck in that first moment of conception.  I couldn’t escape wondering about the “real” Penny, my daughter who seemed hidden behind her diagnosis.  I had wanted to be able to change her instead of receiving change myself.”  (pg. 99) 

Surely this is not just instructive for parents of children with special needs, but a word of challenge and truth to every parent who brings home from the hospital a little person with unique strengths and weaknesses, and an amazing ability to expose these parental attitudes of pettiness, judgment, and bias.  

It is no spoiler to say that Becker comes to see and appreciate her daughter in a new way.  Her fear and grief give way to joy and gratitude.  However, there is nothing trite about the way this is described: the complexities and emotional ambiguities are on display and considered throughout.  This book helped me toward better ways to think and speak  about “Down Syndrome people,” that particular phrase being an example of the way we condescendingly stigmatize.  (I bet I’ve even used that phrase, and its attending attitude, on this blog.)  But along with that, she helps us think not just about children with special needs, or their parents, but about all children, all parents, and the warped culture we all inhabit, with its arbitrary and destructive markers of value and worth.  Who loses out when gifts like Penny are refused?  Becker nails the answer and summarizes the theme unpacked in the book with this journal excerpt: 

“Can she live a full life without ever solving a quadratic equation?  Without reading Dostoevsky?  I’m pretty sure she can.  Can I live a full life without learning to cherish and welcome those in this world who are different from me?  I’m pretty sure I can’t.” (pg 123)  

       All of these questions are pursued in a very readable way as we follow the Beckers through their first years as parents.  This book would be a “good and perfect gift” for Christmas, when we have the chance to prepare our hearts to welcome another surprising child--the Good and Perfect Gift of Bethlehem.